Kurt 2.0

Before we begin, we wish to note for the record that we like the old Kurt. Nice guy. Swell fella. But he’s a JINX.

For 8 years, we went to Utah with Kurt every winter. And those years started out promissingly enough: tons of powder, face shots all around, and, as a bonus, the chance to witness the bizarre phenomenon of Kurt’s intelligence declining proportionally to every foot of altitude he gained. (‘You see, the thing about Beam and coke is, you’ve got Beam AND you’ve got coke.’) But, as the years passed, we noticed a disturbing trend: No Snow. In Utah! How could this be?

We searched the heavens and the earths for an explanation, and, like Archimedes in the bathtub, the solution suddenly presented itself. Every time Kurt left town, the snow started falling. And kept falling. Until he returned. And then it stopped. And kept stopping.

And so, relucatant as we may have been, we put out a call across the land, seeking a replacement Kurt.

We had low expectations (see: Kurt 1.0) but were delighted when we found an ideal substitute in our very first candidate. Kurt 2.0 has all of the features as the original, but with a few important upgrades. First, and most important, he brings snow. Lots of snow. Acres of fresh white inches. The guy’s a damned rabbit’s foot. Also, he can cook. And, he’s got a medical background, which could come in handy if we continue to push ourselves beyond the limits of our collectively decaying physicality. 

Alas, poor Kurt 1.0, we knew him well. But now he must be relegated to the scrap heap of history along with the other famous jinxes such as Babe Ruth, that stupid Wrigley Field goat, and that douche who said God couldn’t sink the Titanic.